Asia & Chocolate

i am.

i am: an ISFJ who loves Jesus.
i think: I need to go on a shopping spree.
i know: God is good to me all the time.
i want: to be known. :)
i have: 1.5 hours before I have to leave for a party ... maybe I will bail out? Update: I didn't go to the party. I'm such a homebody.
i wish: there were more hours in the day.
i hate: the fact that we have so much money in this world and people still go hungry.
i miss: my kiddos in Indonesia and living overseas.
i fear: that I'll never be able to control my food addiction
i feel: great after walking/running four miles.
i hear: American Idol (catching up on my TV shows).
i smell: my minty gum.
i crave: a massage and spa treatment
i search: for peace and joy
i wonder: what baby Lila will look like? I'm spending the night with my friend Emily and her new baby tonight. I haven't seen her since she was born almost three weeks ago.
i regret: a lot of things, but especially some decisions in high school.
i love: my family.
i ache: for true, healthy, lifelong companionship.
i care: about what i look like.
i always: am up for some Starbucks!
i am not: a perfectionist.
i believe: that miracles can happen.
i dance: when I'm happy (and alone in my room).
i sing: my heart out to Bless the Broken Road.
i cry: moreso now than before because i know myself better.
i don’t always: put others first.
i fight: for justice.
i write: in my Moleskine.
i win: very rarely because I'm so not competitive.
i lose: faith in hope sometimes.
i never: ever go to bed without brushing my teeth.
i confuse: eating with stress relief.
i listen: to the Dave Ramsey show on my way home from work every day.
i can usually be found: at work or driving to/from work.
i am scared: that I'll never have my own place.
i need: a dog.
i am happy about: our family vacation in May!

[ripped off from Ginger]

You want to be my friend ... I'm a protector guardian

What you always wanted to know about my personality type, but never asked .... HA! My friends are getting married and took the Myers-Briggs personality test the other day, so I decided to try and figure out what I am.

I am (drumroll, please) ...

ISFJ

Which means: introverted, sensing, thinking, judging. (Sounds dreadful boring and miserable, huh? But the descriptions I've found fit me to a T.)

This Web site describes me this way: follows the rules, polite, fears drawing attention to self, dislikes competition, somewhat easily frightened, easily offended, timid, dutiful, private, lower energy, finisher, organized, socially uncomfortable, modest, not confrontational, easily hurt, observer, prone to crying, not spontaneous, does not appreciate strangeness - intolerant to differences, apprehensive, clean, planner, prone to confusion, afraid of many things, responsible, guarded, avoidant, anxious, cautious, suspicious, more interested in relationships and family than intellectual pursuits, not adventurous, fears doing the wrong thing, dislikes change (I've bolded the things I relate to ... some things don't sound like me, but I guess it's not going to be 100% accurate)

It also lists my favored careers: homemaker, stay at home parent, office worker, health care worker, personal assistant, school teacher, administrative assistant, child care worker, clerical employee, receptionist, library assistant, dietician, health educator, librarian (so many of these I've either aspired to, have been at one time, or currently am)

Disfavored careers: rock star, philosophy professor, filmmaker, performer, writer, bar owner, comedian, dj, entertainer, ceo, psychotherapist, bartender, entrepreneur, lecturer, astronomer (TOTALLY!)

Wikipedia describes me this way:

According to Keirsey, ISFJs, or "Protector Guardians", are most concerned with taking care of people by keeping them safe and secure. They are modest caretakers who do not demand credit or thanks for their efforts. But while they are essentially very compassionate—and in fact exercise more patience in dealing with the disabled than perhaps any other type—their shyness with strangers can lead others to misread them as standoffish. Only among friends and family may this quiet type feel comfortable speaking freely. ISFJs are serious people with a strong work ethic, not inclined to self-indulgence. They believe in being meticulous and thrifty. They work well alone. While they may enjoy taking care of others, they do not enjoy giving orders. (I've bolded what I find most accurate. People have frequently told me that I seem snobby or intimidating when they first meet me, but that's because I'm quieter around strangers. Once I've known you for a while I come WAY out of my shell.)

According to Myers-Briggs, ISFJs are interested in maintaining order and harmony in every aspect of their lives. They are steadfast and meticulous in handling their responsibilities. Although quiet, they are people-oriented and very observant. Not only do they remember details about others, but they observe and respect others’ feelings. Friends and family are likely to describe them as thoughtful and trustworthy. (maintaining order and harmony in every aspect = NO DRAMA!)

So there's me in a big nutshell. It's fun to sometimes try and figure out your personality. Makes me feel like it's OK to me - maybe that's just an ISFJ personality trait.

Who are you?

A snapshot of the past year ...

A year ago yesterday I made the same comments on 2006. I think reflection is good, so here's my 2007.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before? I negotiated my salary ... a huge leap of faith and was pleasantly surprised/thankful at the outcome.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? My resolutions for 2007 were to read the whole Bible and to lose weight. I didn't keep either one of them. In March 2007 I was so overwhelmed I had heart problems - and unfortunately my daily, scheduled Bible reading ended then. And the weight? Yeah, moving back to America, the land of plenty, wasn't so good for the weight department. But this year WILL be different!!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Patti had an adorable little girl: Audrey. And my good friend Emily is due in March.

4. Did anyone close to you die? My high school teacher, Mr. Beach, was killed in a tragic car accident. Very sad. And my friend Pat died on Jan. 1 ... an event that changed my life forever.

5. What countries did you visit? Indonesia

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? a date (or two) :)

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 1, the day Pat died will forever be etched in my mind. I've said many times this past year that when someone close to you died it changes the DNA of your heart. Your life is never the same. March 20, when my mom came to visit me in Jakarta for my birthday!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? sticking to my budget and staying sane while moving back to America

9. What was your biggest failure? I'd say it's still lack of time management

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? only the arrhythmia back in March

11. What was the best thing you bought? IPHONE!!!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Jamie ... learning to be a single mom and doing things on her own after Pat died.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Like I would say that here.

14. Where did most of your money go? paying off debt ... hallelujah!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Going to see an old friend for New Years. A totally spur of the moment decision and well worth it.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007? No One by: Alicia Keys

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? a) happier b) I probably weigh the same ... but am working out like a crazy woman c) always richer, always.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? spending time with Jesus ... reading the Bible.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? watching TV

20. How did you spend Christmas? relaxing with my family ... that's the best!

21. Did you fall in love in 2007? nope

22. What was your favorite TV program? The Biggest Loser

23. What was the best book you read? Hands down: A Thousand Splendid Suns

24. What did you want and get? the amazing iPhone

25. What did you want and not get? a boyfriend ... :)

26. What was your favorite film this year? The one that stands out most in my mind is Dan in Real Life ... as obscure as that may seem, it's true.

27. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? I actually was sick for my birthday, but my mom was visiting me in Jakarta and we went out to lunch and to the spa for some massages. It was a good birthday and I turned 26.

28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I think I'm pretty content. And the hard times have been learning experiences. I think it's been a good year.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? HA! I need help ... seriously. I think jeans and t-shirts/sweatshirts are my fashion concept right now.

30. What kept you sane? Jesus and my friends. I have the best friends ever!

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Katherine Heigl ... she's so cute and on one of my favorite shows: Grey's!!

32. What political issue stirred you the most? I think I get more apolitical with age. I know that Washington isn't going to solve my problems or improve my life. That's going to happen on a much smaller level. I do vote, though.

33. Who did you miss? my kids in Jakarta. I love them so much and miss them tons!

34. Who was the best new person you met? Sharon Wheeler ... friend at work

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007. Stop eating for emotional reasons. This is an ongoing lesson, but it began in 2007.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. Work That lyrics ... my new favorite song! Love it!!

New Year's Resolutions

1. Run/walk the Country Music half marathon on April 26, 2008. (Alongside my Thomas Nelson co-workers)
2. Stop trying to fill the void with people or food.
3. Figure out how to fill the void with Jesus.
4. Set a career goal for the next 2-5 years
5. Get a dog (probably toward the end of the year … or maybe next year. But I want to start saving for a dog.)
6. Be more spontaneous (see New Year’s Eve)
7. Visit fun places in the States … not limiting myself to overseas travel.
8. Get to the gym 3-5 times a week. (I want it to be more than that … but we’ll see. I’ll be on a half-marathon training schedule come January 26.)
9. Be intentional about going to bed and getting up on time … not hitting snooze so much. (This may include getting to the gym in the morning and not waiting until after work.)
10. Give more of my time to volunteer work.

I'll never forget ...

I know I'm a few days overdue, but three years ago my life was changed forever. The Asian Tsunami that killed thousands of people touched my life and I will never be the same.

Let us never forget ...

It's not about a diet ...

Confession alert! I am an emotionally compulsive overeater (and I hate to be vulnerable). I've never been anorexic and I've never thrown up my food, but I overeat on a nearly daily basis. I somewhat control it with exercise, which I also love (weird, I know). As long as I can remember I've been concerned about my weight. It's not normal, at least not healthy and I know no diet will fix m y problem. It's a spiritual problem. I know this.

But I believe that God has me on this journey to unveil a healthy me, not because I want to be stick thin, or I just want an escape, but because HE loves me and designed me to be a healthy woman of God in ALL areas of life: emotional, physical, mental and spiritual. They all go together, so to think I can fix one without all the others would be silly. I've picked up a highly recommended book on the subject called "Love to Eat, Hate to Eat: Breaking the Bondage of Destructive Eating Habits." Now, hear this, I'm NOT looking for a quick fix, but I do believe God is (and has been) taking me on a journey to complete freedom (see Dave Ramsey post) and this is part of that journey. It's a journey, not a sprint, so I know this is somewhere close to the beginning. But I hope to blog more about what I'm learning in this area of my life as God reveals Himself to me and gives me freedom in one of the strongest areas of bondage in my life: the addiction to food.

How's that for vulnerable?

Who are YOU??

I am a ...

Not surprising. You can read the whole results of my fabulous personal DNA here.

Some VERY truthful observations about me:

1. Maintaining a few intimate relationships is more important to me than knowing a lot of people, and I share a lot with my close friends.
2. I'm a good listener.
3. Faithful is as faithful does—I expect those with whom I am close to be loyal to me, and I take betrayal of my trust very seriously. (It's soooo hard for me to give second chances once trust has been broken, so hard.)
4. Time alone for reflection is important to me—I am introspective and aware of my own feelings.
5. Having a routine and sticking to it is important to me; I find comfort in tradition and familiarity.
6. I prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute. (Hence my struggle with the schedule of my previous employment. Although I have learned to be flexible when needed, especially in a large group setting.)

Take the test and share what personal DNA you have ...

[ht: flowerdust]

Always and forever ...

I went to church yesterday for the first time since returning a week ago. They played this amazing song "Small Enough" by Nichole Nordeman.

Lyrics here.

One part goes like this ...

Just wanna know that everything will be alright
Oh great god be close enough to feel me now

All praise and all the honor be
To the god of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder
Turn the pages of our history
But tonight my heart is heavy
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
Are you there?

And the video during this part of the song showed footage from the tsunami, I nearly lost it.

Those images and those people will be some kind of secret world that I'll carry with me the rest of my life.

More reflecting ... and revelation ...

A few weeks ago during our ministry leadership conference, God gave me a big revelation (for me). Of course I know that this earth is not my home and that I will not be completely satisfied until I’m in Heaven with Jesus. On this earth it’s a constant battle to rest in Him and be who He has called me to be, not using my own strength or power. We all know and experience this in our lives as Christians.

But there is one place on this earth that is my little piece of Heaven on earth. And that place is my hometown, out in the beautiful countryside of Franklin, Tennessee. You hear people from the South say this a lot … it’s “God’s Country.” ☺ We all believe that our little place of “home” is God-blessed and this sacred place of Heaven on earth. And it is. God has blessed me with this great place of green grass and the people that I love.

BUT, here’s the catch (and revelation). It will not satisfy me. I will turn up empty every single time if I expect this home to meet my deepest longings and God-given desires. It’s a glimpse of what God will give us all someday, but it will not meet my needs. It’s wonderful, but cannot fulfill me. I can’t just kick up my feet and take a break. No, there’s still a battle going on. And if I move back home expecting being there to fill the longings in my heart that have been stirring in my soul for many years, then I will be miserable. I think that’s part of the re-entry experience. What are my expectations? It’s those too high, unrealistic, ungodly expectations that will lead to the most hurt and disappointment.

I spend a lot of time thinking about the future, this summer, what will the next year of my life hold? I have given up worrying about my immediate future and in several amazing ways God has already started to provide for my needs when I get home. I haven’t had to worry about it to make it happen! ☺ It’s just happened. (I will share more details when the details are finalized.) So, while I’m not worrying, I still allow myself to think and dream about the future. I wonder what my relationships will be like. Will I get back into the old habits that I had when I was living there two years ago? Will I go to the same gym? Will I make new friends? Will I become involved in a new type of ministry? What will I do in my free time? Will I discover new passions and find joy in each new day? Will I continue to grow in my faith and find new freedoms in Christ? Will I take the time to cherish the people around me that I’ve missed so much for these past two years? When will I feel restless again? How long will it be before I do come back and visit Jakarta? Will my students keep in touch with me, or will we become too busy to write? How will God use me in the next season of my life?

These are just a few of the questions circling around in my head. It will be an interesting journey. And more than anything I know beyond any doubts that God is absolutely faithful and absolutely has my best interest in His heart. I trust Him completely and I love this journey that I’m on, no matter how hard the changes are, it’s exactly where God wants me to be.

Please pray for me as I continue to seek God with my future and as I make this transition.

(Sorry for all the seriousness lately, it’s just what’s going on in my heart. ☺ )

Reflections ...

There are 43 days until I board a plane headed for Nashville, Tennessee (via Taiwan, LA, and Atlanta). Almost seven years ago this month, I was also packing to move back to Tennessee from Asia, but this time the emotions could not be any more opposite.

Tonight it hit me that time is moving so fast and this will all be over before I can blink an eye. I already wrapped up my Latin class with my juniors and seniors. And I only have 3-5 actual class periods lefts with my other classes. And then it’s finals. It has snuck up on me so fast that I haven’t even had time to process it.

I’ve told many people that I could live here forever. I love this city and my community, my friends and my precious kids. (I can hardly type for the tears.) And I will miss it more than I ever realized. I would not be going home if it weren’t for an undeniable call I have heard from God, telling me that it’s time to leave. Without that knowing, I could not leave.

I will miss …

• MY kids … my children that God has so graciously put in my lives over these past two years. Hundreds of precious children. We have laughed together, cried together, screamed together and learned together. I would love to call each one by name and affirm them, but it would take pages. Maybe I’ll sit down and do that when I’m in Bali, AFTER I’ve graded all the final exams. ;-)
• My roommates and the times we’ve shared laughing and talking and playing and fighting. Hehe.
• The feeling of coming home after a long day of work, it’s still light outside, throwing open the curtain and taking an afternoon nap to the sound of children playing in the streets.
• $16 massages
• $3 pedicures
• $70 round-trip plane tickets to Bali
• My driver. He’s been sick for the past two days and I don’t think I’ve ever prayed more for one person. I really do appreciate him and all that he does for us … and the fact when he’s around I don’t have to deal with the issues of who is going to school with whom and how many people does it take to drive through 3-in-1 during rush hour!
• Deborah Khan and her “turn” on Star News Asia Update at 8 p.m. Thursday evenings after American Idol.
• Celebrity Fitness
• Soto mie … the one food I like. It’s a beef-based soup with tomatoes, potatoes, noodles, beef, chopped spring rolls, tiny fried onions and lime juice. YUM!
• My maid.
• Rehashing every single moment of American Idol with Fitria come Monday morning.
• The worship at church
• The spiritual parents God has given me here.

And those are just a few of the many things I will miss. Asia is in my heart and this is my home. And now I’m leaving.

I am in love with those kids, but I feel like I’m about to walk out on them. My heart hurts.